BREAKING EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH EMBEZZLEMENT SCANDAL — MORE AT 11 ★ FIREWALL NOW 18% OPERATIONAL AFTER CRITICAL PATCH: "WE THINK" SAYS DAVE ★ MANDATORY FUN FRIDAY ATTENDANCE NOW BEING TRACKED ★ CEO PIVOTS COMPANY TO "AI-POWERED BLOCKCHAIN SYNERGY AS A SERVICE" — FOURTH PIVOT THIS MONTH ★ REMINDER: THE PRINTER ON FLOOR 3 IS STILL HAUNTED. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SCAN ★ NEW POLICY: ALL PASSWORDS MUST CONTAIN AT LEAST ONE BLOOD TYPE ★ QUARTERLY REVIEW RESULTS: VIBES WERE IMMACULATE, NUMBERS LESS SO ★ BREAK ROOM MICROWAVE ESCALATED TO TIER 2 — TICKET UNRESOLVED FOR 11 MONTHS ★ GDPR COMPLIANCE AUDIT SCHEDULED FOR Q3 (2019) — STATUS: PENDING ★ COMPANY RETREAT DESTINATION REVEALED: THE PARKING LOT AGAIN ★

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  ╚██████╗╚██████╔╝██║ ╚═╝ ██║██║     ██║  ██║██║ ╚████║   ██║
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                      F I L E S . Z I P

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[ SYSTEM STATUS ]

MAINFRAME INTEGRITY█████████████████████ 100% NOMINAL

FIREWALL STATUS████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 19% IT'S FINE

COFFEE MACHINE UPTIME█████████████████████ 100% CRITICAL

COMPLIANCE WITH GDPR░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 0% OOPS

EMPLOYEE MORALE███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 14% PIZZA FRIDAY PENDING

SYNERGY LEVELS████████████████████████████████ 847% UNSUSTAINABLE

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